A Whirring Mind

It was the 1st time that I couldn't pay attention to a conversation that someone was trying to have with me. My mind was buzzing so much that I could hardly keep up with what a colleague was blabbering on on our way home.

The day's events was tantamount and this was the cause to many thoughts I had in my mind. Not out of impulse, but rather, a rather cool headed thoughts of pent-up feelings so far.

Event 1:
Survey for staff morale is once again administered by my big employer. My macro-middle manager had appealed to me & fellow colleagues to be positive about the survey. The appeal reminded me of a scene in Harry Potter. In his 5th year, Harry was punished by Professor Umbridge for spreading tales Voldemort returning. She punished him by having him write lines (I MUST NOT TELL LIES) using a quill that would engrain the words onto his arm as he wrote the lines.

Months later, when Professor Umbridge was caught in a sticky situation with the centaurs in the Dark Forest, she had begged Harry to lie to the centaurs so as to get her out of the centaurs' wrath. Harry's reply: "I must not tell lies."

That line of Harry's had a resounding effect in my mind at the point the appeal was made. That, was my response to the macro-middle manager. An additional note, to have been so outrightly shameless in appealing for our positive response, I think the macro middle manager was plainly pathetic.

Event 2:
I won't deny that my industry has evolved to the stage whereby we have too much to do that we may very much miss out the details. Not tha I'm asking you seniors to spoonfeed me in completing my task, but could I please ask you not to treat me like a soccer ball and kick me around, referring from personnels to personnels.

As featured in the movie of 'Follow Law', the middle management is simply made up of a bunch of screwed up people who have no guts to make decisions for the fear of bearing consequences, and hence screwing m life - the lowest life form of the profession. Ashamed to say I'm part of this screwed up institution.

Event 3:
Has to do with the middle manager again. *rolls my eyes* Not a personal experience, but a recount of a close colleague with the macro middle manager. He had simply blamed her and questioned her of the umimpressive performance of her classes at the national exams last year and it really upset my colleague for she and her team had really worked very hard in getting their charges to work.

I had been one of those taking the same young charges as my colleague and I would agree that some of these charge were worse than 'pulling the mule to the river'. At least the mule got to the river bank, but just refused to drink. For our charges, akin to the mule, or rather, worse than the mule, had simply resist our reign towards the river bank at all, some are even struggling or have ran off in opposite directions to the river bank despite us keeping a strong hold on these mules.

Having said that of our charges, I must say the macro middle manager has been a useless omnipotent being who has simply stayed in his office or flitting from point to point on the map, who has not so much tried to support us under his wing.

Then I would like to question you, the macro middle manager, who has often boast and pride yourself on having being so successful in running the institution this question - touch your heart and truly ask yourself this: "are you really proud of your achievements? deep down, did you really think you've suceeded in your role? Or are you trying to deceive everyone in the world including yourself?"

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As the events accumulate today, I couldn't help but start wondering, is this the pasture I want to remain in for the rest of my career? Wandering into another pasture under a differen macro middle manager - would it really allow me to do what I was truly passionate for?

There are certainly no answers yet...

En Route Bullshit-ter

Work was due for submission, but yet, no matter how many times it was re-phrased, I couldn't help but felt it was a whole lot of bullshit in my head. Frustrated at the sub-standard of my work, a senior at the other workstation decided to draw my attention away from work by giving me some insights on her award-winning project.

As I listened to her share her project, I finally got to understand why I felt so much like a bullshit-ter as I plough through my work. For the simple fact - I did not believe in what I was doing. Like a chess piece, I was simply picking up work on a research that force-fed down my throat.

This realisation of me feeling bullshit-ty made me wonder about the path in which I've taken and am on now...did I sign up for all this just to be a bullshit-ter and work so hard on only to sound good on paper, but not really benefit my target audience? A mentor once said to me, true as it may be that we are bullshit-ting, but at times, this is what management requires us to deliver...

On my bus journey home, as I penned down my thoughts...I felt so strongly against all the bullshit-ting...but by the time I got home, I got kinda deflated and as the senior who shared with me her project had put it, I would have to make this research (a problem created out of air) my problem and see value in it.

How much I can survive in this bullshit arena I shall leave time & tide to decide. Till then.