Stranded for now...

My 1st pregnancy and I learn that I need to take sometime before I can shift my mental frame the moment I fixed my mind on something. 1st encounter: I couldn't believe I was pregnant because I had 1-2 years of couple time planned in mind with some travel destinations in mind. So it was with total shock when I discovered my positive pee results when I returned from honeymoon. But hubby ensured that we'll be OK with this journey of parenthood. And as I started having the baby, I started accepting it. 2nd encounter: As weeks went by I started getting excited though I still find the whole thing about being a mum-to-be a surreal experience! I can't help feeling 'WOW' all this time as baby grew inside me. Then the 2nd shock came when all along I thought, with our vegetarian diet, our chances of getting a baby girl outweighs that of a boy. But the scan at 3 months was a total shock for me (again) as doctor announced that it was a boy as she saw something in between baby's legs. So for 3 months, I've been talking to baby thinking he was a girl!!! Sorry sonny! 3rd experience: I'm textbook person by nature. Having gone for Hypnobirthing classes, I had envisioned my birth to be a perfect one - without drugs, water birth and all smooth-sailing without complications as baby arrived in this world end August/early September. With that in mind, we boldly made an appointment and met our new ob/gyn in mind at 33 weeks. I envisioned the visit to the doctor’s one that is filled with news like baby is turned head down, ready to greet the world and all stars are aligned for the water birth to happen. But things didn’t really quite fall into place like I had imagined. Firstly baby is breeched (still?!) with his head perfectly up, left leg up and right foot down, like doing a standing split. Dear baby, I didn’t know you could be a gymnast in there! Time to put my learning in Hypnobirthing class to use. An instant resolution to do my polar bears and practise my visualization and breathing techniques diligently from now on. But it wasn’t so much of baby that made me lost after seeing new ob/gyn. It was the high delivery charges of Dr Lai FM that left me beyond what I’d expected. Hubby was very nice to reassure me a few times that cost should not be a concern. But still…I can’t help thinking about it. So, in taking my power nap after doctor’s visit, I was exploring the options in my mind. Couldn’t help feeling frustrated with myself somehow for not doing some of the things which I SHOULD HAVE done. Mulled over my ‘should-have-done list’ for awhile and I decided to proactively manage my options the moment I was fresh from my power nap. Anyway, I was pretty surprise how fast I recovered from my shock this time and quickly thought about what I could do. Did what I should have a month and a half ago when we were exploring changing our ob/gyn when we wanted to realise the water birth dream: 1) Called NUH to enquire about the doctors who do water births and their delivery charges. Found a Dr Chong Yap Seng (yay!!) who is easily 3K cheaper than Dr Lai FM. But the only unfortunate thing is Dr Yap is away for now and the earliest appoint is 31st July (!!!). By then I’d be 36 weeks and hopefully baby is still happy being inside til he’s at least 40 weeks. Meanwhile, I just grab the slot to see him while I plan for alternatives. 2) Called Dr Paul Tseng’s clinic to enquire about his water birth delivery charges and to fix an appointment but too bad his clinic had already close for today. Sent an email to enquire what I wanted. Keeping my fingers crossed that it is replied…. But still, I guess I’ve got to be prepared for things not going as planned in my ideal conception of birth. I could bank on the hope that I’d be able to switch to the other 2 water birth doctors praying that I get to see them on time, but weighing the situation now, it’s down to the questions of: 1) To still keep hoping for a water birth with Dr Lai FM, despite the huge budget or if I can get the appointment to see Dr Yap or Dr Paul 2) To go with Dr Heng and just have a hypnobirth but have a doula instead? (will need to talk to her to find out how open she is to this idea when I see her tomorrow) – The only question is if she’s not supportive of the idea, where do I move from here, with just a hypnobirth and a doula???? If I really stick to Dr Heng, I just can’t help but fear the spiral effect of induction, and eventually resorting to epidurals and even a C-section. (shudders…) I’m feeling loads better with my proactiveness and alternatives in mind, but I still can’t help but feel STRANDED…………………………………………………………………

纳闷。

眼中钉、肉中刺！ 你居心何在？！

禅

眼不看为净、耳不听为清 - 能否？

冥冥中

今生债、来生还。

执子之手，与子偕老，行到水穷处，坐看云起时

刚看完《步步惊心》

除了剧情里头的四爷与马尔泰若曦那剧烈的爱情外， 更让我难忘的是剧里头所出现的诗句。

《终南别业》- 王维

中岁颇好道， 晚家南山陲。
兴来美独往， 胜事空自知。
行到水穷处， 坐看云起时。
偶然值林叟， 谈笑无还期。

讲述的是：
中年期厌烦世俗的喧嚣，信奉佛教；晚年定居安家在南山边陲。兴致来了，独自一人前往欣赏这美丽的景色，这种快意的事只能自得其乐。随意而行，不知不觉，竟走到流水的尽头，看是无路可走了；于是索性就地坐下来，看那悠闲无心的云兴起漂游。偶然间遇见山林中的一位老者，自由交谈说笑毫无拘束，忘了回去的时期。

内容确实很配得四爷那潇洒、不顾世俗的性格。

最喜欢的就是若曦常常炼字的一句： ‘行到水穷处，坐看云起时’。多么美丽的一句话，更是多么美丽的境界界。什么时候我也能像句子形容的那样， 抛开世俗之事，活得那么悠闲自在？

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另外让我难忘的词， 是八爷送若曦的：

我心匪石，不可转也。
我心匪席，不可卷也。
死生契阔，与子成说。
执子之手，与子偕老。

讲述的是：
我的心并非一块大石或一条席子，不能任人随意搬及卷起或打开。生死聚悲欢，都许下誓盟，牵着你的手与你共度到老。

好美的一句‘死生契阔，与子成说。执子之手，与子偕老。’- 出自于诗经。中文实在美妙。短短的几个字胜过英语长长的‘marriage vow'。但愿这两句话能时刻成为我们的写照。

梦

人们说‘日有所思，夜有所梦’真的吗？可我真的一点也没想阿。。。那人们就会说：会梦见，也是你潜意识里，不知不觉在想。。。

平时做梦，在梦里的我都会知道那是梦。有时醒了，梦境虽然清晰，不过也不把梦当回事。

这两天的梦境仍清晰地在脑海播放。梦境里的我完全没有感到自己在做梦。因为一切太真。。。内容很真，情绪也很真。

前天，在梦里所发生的事让我在梦里伤心。在那个梦里的最后尾段我哭了。然后醒来的我还认为在梦境里发生的事有一种真实感，让我觉得它就是已发生的事实。让我惊讶的是醒来的我，流着一点眼泪。。。

昨天，梦的内容完全不同。却也一样，不管在情景、情绪方面都很真实。这次不是伤心，而是不安。。。醒来的我也一样，觉得是在发生的事，直到看到房里的周围才安慰自己是一场梦，并非真实。

有的梦，醒来时，虽知道自己在做梦，但却把梦境忘了一干二净。
有的梦， 乱七八糟，毫无逻辑，及时醒来记得，过一阵子也会忘得一干二净。

但这两个梦给我的感觉实在是太真实，太清晰了。梦里的细节仍在脑海里浮现。

天啊，现在的我怎么还在做这种乱七八糟的梦？！

A Whirring Mind

It was the 1st time that I couldn't pay attention to a conversation that someone was trying to have with me. My mind was buzzing so much that I could hardly keep up with what a colleague was blabbering on on our way home.

The day's events was tantamount and this was the cause to many thoughts I had in my mind. Not out of impulse, but rather, a rather cool headed thoughts of pent-up feelings so far.

Event 1:
Survey for staff morale is once again administered by my big employer. My macro-middle manager had appealed to me & fellow colleagues to be positive about the survey. The appeal reminded me of a scene in Harry Potter. In his 5th year, Harry was punished by Professor Umbridge for spreading tales Voldemort returning. She punished him by having him write lines (I MUST NOT TELL LIES) using a quill that would engrain the words onto his arm as he wrote the lines.

Months later, when Professor Umbridge was caught in a sticky situation with the centaurs in the Dark Forest, she had begged Harry to lie to the centaurs so as to get her out of the centaurs' wrath. Harry's reply: "I must not tell lies."

That line of Harry's had a resounding effect in my mind at the point the appeal was made. That, was my response to the macro-middle manager. An additional note, to have been so outrightly shameless in appealing for our positive response, I think the macro middle manager was plainly pathetic.

Event 2:
I won't deny that my industry has evolved to the stage whereby we have too much to do that we may very much miss out the details. Not tha I'm asking you seniors to spoonfeed me in completing my task, but could I please ask you not to treat me like a soccer ball and kick me around, referring from personnels to personnels.

As featured in the movie of 'Follow Law', the middle management is simply made up of a bunch of screwed up people who have no guts to make decisions for the fear of bearing consequences, and hence screwing m life - the lowest life form of the profession. Ashamed to say I'm part of this screwed up institution.

Event 3:
Has to do with the middle manager again. *rolls my eyes* Not a personal experience, but a recount of a close colleague with the macro middle manager. He had simply blamed her and questioned her of the umimpressive performance of her classes at the national exams last year and it really upset my colleague for she and her team had really worked very hard in getting their charges to work.

I had been one of those taking the same young charges as my colleague and I would agree that some of these charge were worse than 'pulling the mule to the river'. At least the mule got to the river bank, but just refused to drink. For our charges, akin to the mule, or rather, worse than the mule, had simply resist our reign towards the river bank at all, some are even struggling or have ran off in opposite directions to the river bank despite us keeping a strong hold on these mules.

Having said that of our charges, I must say the macro middle manager has been a useless omnipotent being who has simply stayed in his office or flitting from point to point on the map, who has not so much tried to support us under his wing.

Then I would like to question you, the macro middle manager, who has often boast and pride yourself on having being so successful in running the institution this question - touch your heart and truly ask yourself this: "are you really proud of your achievements? deep down, did you really think you've suceeded in your role? Or are you trying to deceive everyone in the world including yourself?"

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As the events accumulate today, I couldn't help but start wondering, is this the pasture I want to remain in for the rest of my career? Wandering into another pasture under a differen macro middle manager - would it really allow me to do what I was truly passionate for?

There are certainly no answers yet...